Were you GOOD when you put your knife to his throat? Were you RIGHT when you spilled his blood?

Posted on 14/06/2012 by

16


I killed someone. I feel kind of badly about it. Actually, I killed them on Friday. But I only started to feel really guilty about it today. Well, maybe ‘conflicted’ is a better word.

I keep telling myself he wasn’t very nice, but it doesn’t help. Because when I had my characters kill him they didn’t know that. He was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I know what my characters are doing is right. But… it’s like… okay, imagine they’re breaking in somewhere. And the place they’re breaking into is controlled by some fairly bad guys. But the people who’re working for them don’t really know that. Maybe they suspect it, maybe they’ve got no idea. But they’re not bad themselves.

And it’s one of those guys my heroes stabbed in the throat. They’re feeling less than entirely heroic at the moment.

Which, actually, is part of the point of the book. But this is the first time it’s felt kind of… dirty.

But while one part of my brain is busy yelling at me, there’s another part going straight to the war crimes section of my arsenal and muttering, “Just following orders is not a justification. How could they not know? Half the army deserted already. They know.”

So. I guess… my heroes probably didn’t think too much of anyone who was still following orders so it’s okay that they killed him?

I don’t know. It still feels wrong. To outnumber, overwhelm and then hide the body… of a guy who’s wearing the uniform of an ally. Where stands loyalty in this?

I think I need to go back into that scene and… I don’t know. Be guilty about it.

Stick figure man in a red tunic with a gold cape and a sword dripping blood. The background is the outline of a castle and on the floor in front of his is a severed dragon head. The stick figure has a hand to his head. Caption reds: How the hell did I end up here? I thought I was going to grow up to be gentle.