How Not to Pacify the Savage Beast

Posted on 13/12/2011 by


Yesterday I didn’t get to sleep until after Rick’s alarm went off at 5am. By nine I was awake again. Which makes for a grand total of 14 hours in the last three days. I just thought that I should tell you that. In case I start screaming incoherently or something.

And while I’ve been getting to know what dawn looks like from the wrong side, possibly to keep me amused, or possibly just to add to my grinding exasperation, my laptop has been threatening to kill itself.

I thought I’d reached a tentative truce with it but then it just utterly fell apart on me between one moment and the next. It was fine, right up until it wasn’t. I think it hates me. Or maybe it was just trying to demonstrate what falling asleep looks like.

Me: At least in the meantime, I still have Space Turtle.
Rick: Yeah… except he’s not running OS X at the moment.
Me: What? Noooo. The whole point of still having Space Turtle is so we have another Mac in the house, not some demon-hybrid-whatever-the-hell-you’re-running.

And okay, I have insanely comprehensive backups so it’s not like I’m losing anything when it does this. Except time. And possibly sanity.

(Paul pats me gingerly on the head.)
Me: Why are we petting me?
Paul S: Pacify the savage beast.
Me: I am not a savage beast!
Paul S: And anyone who says otherwise will get their arms and legs torn off?
Me: YES.

I think my frustration is bleeding into my dreams. When I did sleep this morning I dreamt I was an assassin who went about murdering people in a particularly brutal fashion and then limped bleeding back to my base to swear at those who’d sent me. Also there was a bit where I betrayed an acrobat. Not totally sure what that was about.

It’s also possible I’m losing my sense of humour about the whole thing. I like sleep. I like the assumption that it’s going to be a part of my day. I like knowing what day it is when I blink my eyes open. I’m fine with passing entire weeks without seeing the sun come up. Really.

I’m also rather attached to being able to set my hands on a laptop when I roll over with an idea blazing in my brain. Last night I ended up writing in a notebook. With a pen. While standing up. (Okay, that part doesn’t have any logic behind it. I have an iPad, I have chairs. What I am apparently lacking is sense or reason or REM sleep.)

Besides, when I don’t have a laptop to channel my energy into I start playing about in real life. I make worrying fashion choices* and dye my hair (Wuffie: It’s red orange copper. Like you have a head wound), write appalling poems on my fridge, and start to pun defensively. Which is all very well in and of itself but I’d really rather be writing. Or sleeping. Sleep would be lovely. If anyone sees my sleep wandering about can you please mail it back to me? I will be eternally grateful.

Yours sincerely, etc. Kandace.


* I wore yellow on Wednesday and everyone was disoriented. I don’t think this is quite as shocking as some others seemed to, but their mild alarm was rather charming as I was wearing that shirt to express my despair. I like the colour, but I find the juxtaposition of sunshine yellow with the phrase ‘everything will probably not be okay’ a little disturbing, and I wanted to share that feeling.


Posted in: Kandace