Am Thinking of Skipping Christmas and Staging a Nerf War

Arkem: The present is for you and for Rick and Paul. Mostly for you.
Me: Wait — if it is for them too I should wait until they are here. Probably.
Arkem: It’s really three presents. So you could have your surprise. And then you could surprise them.
Me: Ooh. That sounds like fun. I could be like, “Presents!” and then shoot them with a Nerf gun. Cause I like doing that.
Arkem: Yes, you could.
Me: 🙂 Okay. Now I’m eyeing off the boxes. And my sword.
Arkem: I think you should open it. Also you should tell me more about your Nerf arsenal.
Me: Them. Them. Multiple boxes.
Arkem: Ok, them.
Me: Ahh. Well. This is difficult. How does one type and de-boxenate at the same time? Also. should I open the smaller giant box or the giant giant box first?
Arkem: The heavier box. Probably the giant box.
Me: I think the biggest one is the heaviest.
Arkem: Follow your instincts.

Me: Whoa! It’s like you can read my mind!
Arkem: Just like that?
Me: This is sensational! Have you been talking to Paul?
Arkem: No.
Me: Or was this brought on by my enjoyment of shooting you?
Arkem: Yes.
Me: Awesome.
Arkem: I made a note “Nerf weapons for Kandace”. “Poking at a distance” technology seemed like a way to overcome your reach limitations.
Me: It is such an excellent device for getting over the ‘you can see me coming’ and ‘my arms are short’ issues!
Arkem: The awesomeness was tempered by the fact that I felt bad for the people you live with and felt that there should be guns plural.
Me: Okay, so. Nerf guns: a story. Back in the days of yore I was not allowed to have toy guns because my parents had opinions. So I was given my very first water pistol on my sixteenth christmas. A true sign of adulthood. But water guns, you know, you can’t really fire around the amount of tech we have in the house. So while I love my water pistol it does not get much use. And then, there was your gun. And it was awesome. Unrelatedly, shortly after I returned from my trip Paul bought a Nerf Maverick gun so he could mod it into steampunkness for Claire. We then entered a brief war wherein one of us would steal it from the other in order to rain Nerfy vengeance across the house. Paul and I decided that I needed my own weapon. And, in fact, plotted and schemed, thinking that really, what we needed was Nerf guns for the whole household! (Are you positive you haven’t been bugging the house?) So. Later that week I was in a toy store. (What? These things happen.) And there was a teeny tiny Nerf gun which needed to be mine. (It only shoots three bullets, but is more stealth than the Maverick for pulling out and laying waste by surprise.)
Arkem: I am positive that I am not going to admit to bugging your house, or plotting with the other members of your household.
Me: Hmmm. I believe you. But I see what you did there.
Arkem: Really though it was the glee you exhibited that time you shot me.
Me: It was so fun! And see how our minds are working together as one? Before I even knew what was in these delightful boxes I was planning on yelling “Presents!” when the boys came home and then shooting them. Now I have three backup weapons and a box of ammo! They’ll never take me alive!
Arkem: Also it is hard for me to pass up a good Mavrick pun.
Me: I know. I mean, seriously. I was like, ‘…it’s a Maverick model Nerf gun? Want, want, WANT!’ And now I have all of them. And I have my teeny backup pistol… I can Nerf everyone! I mean, cough, we, we can Nerf everyone.
Arkem: 🙂
Me: Now I kind of want to skip regular christmas and have a war. …I am very disappointed you are not coming home. I want to shoot you. I mean, thank you. In person. With my guns.
Me: I am seriously checking the house for bugs though.