Nuke Them From Orbit. It’s the Only Way to Be Sure.

Posted on 14/02/2012 by


Me: I need to stop reading about serial killers. I’m starting to dream about them.
Rick: And become one.
Me: What?
Rick: On your blog today…
Me: No! That’s totally different. That wasn’t serial killing. That was… well, one at a time, in isolation, not one after another until they’re all dead. Not serial killing. More like… premeditated murder.

And besides I haven’t actually done it. I’m only even planning on killing two or three of them. And that’s just speculative. Only one of them is definitely going to die. And so far I haven’t killed any— okay, I’ve killed one character with a name. It doesn’t count when they don’t have names. Only one character with a name! That’s not serial killer that’s… well that could be an accident! Crime of passion! Convenient to the plot!

We will leave aside that I then spent some time in consideration of the Mozambique Drill (which is a particular way of killing someone, or over-killing them, really). I’m not entirely sure why but it seemed like something I needed to have settle into my brain. So it’s there when I need it. Not that I expect to need it. Or, no, that’s not right. Not that I expect to use it. Personally. In real life. If you start with the headshot, there’s no need for the double-tap. Um. Human shaped target with bullet holes indicated -- two in the chest and one in the head

Gilligan: Why is there a chair sideways in the living room?
Me: Paul.
Gilligan: Oh.

The point is… there was a point to this, I swear. Hang on. Right. The point is… The Mozambique Drill is probably not the best way to take out a zombie. But otherwise I sort of approve of overkill. People have survived the most remarkable injuries before. If you’re going to kill someone it doesn’t hurt to go out of your way to be sure that they’re going to stay dead. I mean, one assumes you had a reason.

Gilligan: Is the chair there in case of zombies?
Me: I don’t know. Paul? Are we expecting a zombie apocalypse?
Paul S: Well… not specifically expecting. No one really expects zombies. They’re like the Spanish Inquisition.
Gilligan: Is that what the chair’s for then? The Spanish Inquisition?

I’m just saying. Learning the Mozambique Drill and plotting the deaths of a dozen people doesn’t make you a serial killer. It makes you prudent. As does having a chair on hand in case of the Spanish Inquisition.