Things to Do to Prepare for a House Guest

• Buy Cherries.
• Remember they’re coming.*
• Manipulate them into a situation where they are obliged to let you take funny pictures of them.
• More cherries (the glacé ones not the real ones).
• Alcohol.

Me: Wuffie liked my idea.
Paul S: What was your idea?
Me: Jared wants us to watch Ponies. I think the rest of the idea is implied.
Paul S: Cause you can’t watch Ponies sober, right?
Laughter.

• Actually, the real kind of cherries too? Then we can do that thing where you try to tie a knot in it with your tongue and end up spitting cherry stems all over the place.
• On second thoughts, best not.
• Tidy… things.

Me: Why do you have lego like lurking in the back seat of your car?
Paul S: What do you have stuffed down the back of the couch?
Me: Nothing.
Paul S: Really?
Me: Yeah.
He gives me a dubious look.
Me: I empty it out every now and then.
He directs another Look at me.
Me: Yeah, but not lego.

• Reassure your laptop that even though you’ll spending a great deal of time with someone else it’s only for ten days and then everything will go back to normal.
• Potatoes. Oats.
• Wonder about why you think carbohydrates are important.
• Argue with your housemate about the proper feeding and care of guests.

Me: You could feed Arkem cheese on toast.
Paul S: You have to look after your kids, feed them greens…
Me: My mum fed me ice cream.**
Paul S: And look how you turned out.
Me: Fabulous — that’s what you were trying to say, right?

• Make a flag to cheer on house guest when required.
• Try to remember what you are doing.
• Do not get distracted by shiny things and forget what day of the week it is. Again.
• Bread.
• Girls dressed in cat costumes. (Actually, maybe just this? (And the cherries.))

 

* Not that being completely oblivious seems to slow me down particularly. I even shelved the enormous pile of books in the spare room on Tuesday, so you can walk in there now. Although to be fair that was during the part of the week where I forgot there would shortly be someone who’d want to. And what day of the week it was. And what season. And how to string sentences together. But apparently my subconscious mind was looking out for Arkem.

** Actually I had ice cream for dinner rather more frequently as a child than I do as an adult. For certain values of ‘adult’.