THAT’S LIKE GOING TO THE SUPERMARKET AND SEEING YOUR FAVORITE AISLE OF JUICE, THEN ON ONE OF THE BOTTLES THE PRICE TAG SAYS “THIS IS THE WORST JUICE IN THE WORLD, IT HAS NO CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT AND IT’S A WHORE.”
So I saw this, and skipping right over what I thought of its original context my brain promptly went, “Oh hey now, I would love that label. I would buy juice that had that kind of commentary. I would be thinking, whore seems a bit harsh and when they say ‘it has no character development’ what do they mean? and, can I try some, please?”*
I mean, okay, I’d sniff it before I put it in my mouth. My nose is pretty smart about these things. But this would be at home. After I’d bought the juice. And taken it home. And set it on my counter so I could admire it a bit. There would probably be a ritual. I might invite friends (or at least housemates). In case I died. I mean, the worst juice in the world. That would be one that killed you, right? Or that released toxic gas when you opened it and killed everyone. Or that was the secret resting place of the soul of the nanobot army that’s going to destroy the earth.
I’m just saying. ‘Worst’ is a strong word. Maybe that was just hyperbole. Maybe when they said ‘whore’ they meant it had sold out. Added sugar. Hooked up with some tarty little cartoon character for its ad campaign. It has no character development because it has no character. The scab of the juice world.
Or maybe that is the marketing copy. I mean, it’s on the label, right? Either juice manufacturers have started letting reviewers make remarks on their products or that’s advertising right there. So some ad exec was sitting there thinking, We’ve got to make the juice look tough. A little ‘wrong side of the tracks’. A bit hardcore. That’ll get the kids.
And then I finally thought, This is probably not what I’m meant to be taking away from this. Also I’m supposed to be working.
It’s becoming very clear that I haven’t written anything in the last couple of days. Also that my brain needs a leash. A leash, people. Or possibly, at this point, a lasso, because I think it’s getting away.
* I don’t know. Is that a normal reaction? If someone said it was the worst juice in the world wouldn’t you want to know what that was like? Be honest here. How many of you have seen Plan 9 From Outer Space? And why did you watch it again?