Arkem: Did you know that I’m leaving tomorrow?
Me: That’s very sad. (Sad face. Thinks.) Don’t.
Arkem: Well played. You are a master of strategy.
I am going to tell you a story. It starts here: I am officially down by one Paul. At least in terms of geographical convenience. I took him to the airport and he flew away.
And then Paul came home this evening, looked at the empty space on the couch and was sad. I got home from the airport, sat on my couch next to the empty space and was sad. Rick… played Psychonauts and cackled gleefully. This may be a coping mechanism.
And then I went online and emailed Paul, which I’d been meaning to do for a few days but I kept getting distracted by Paul. Also Paul, who wasn’t at work, was colluding with Paul to interrupt me. Because they think it’s funny.
This is a true story. Confusing, isn’t it?
There are three Paul’s in my life*: the one I fight crime with, the one who lives with us, and the one people think lives with us but who actually lives in Canberra, Ottawa, San Francisco**. Sometimes when I talk about them people get lost and mix them up. This seems strange to me as they are not in any way similar in my head, other than a certain deplorable propensity for punning. But I do understand the problem.
So this is an appeal to all impending parents. You know how Shakespeare says: a rose by any other name would smell as sweet? Good. I would like to add this: a Paul by any other name would be far less confusing to the general populace.
Seriously people, you need to come up with some new names. I’m not saying you need to call your kid Phinneus*** just… Think about it. If you give your child a name that’s too common nobody is ever actually going to call them that so it will have been a waste of time. And if people do call them by their given name it will only end in confusion, mayhem and death.**** The end.*****
* Right now. The number fluctuates disconcertingly. We can only be grateful there are no longer five likely candidates when we get a garbled phone message from a Paul.
** Which, I want you to know I just typed as ‘Sad Francisco’. What is this spoonerism telling us, hm?
*** Props to the friends of mine who spawned recently and got this right. (No, they didn’t name her Phinneus.) With care and aplomb (I’m assuming, I wasn’t there) they gave her a lovely name that nobody else I know already has. (And a middle name that made me raise an eyebrow and think, Have you been watching a lot of Doctor Who lately? Although it’s probably a coincidence. And it’s okay if it’s not. I have a sister who may have been somewhat absent-mindedly named after a hobbit, so I understand these things happen.)
**** It’s possible I’m exaggerating. Not definite, you understand. But possible.
***** Also, and this is important, you can’t just trade in one person for another with the same name. It doesn’t work. And ‘the end’ may be a misnomer. After all, it’s still happening isn’t it? You’re reading this footnote. And given the way they seem to be proliferating you could go on doing that for a while. Or not. You know, not is fine.
Kandace Mavrick
Paul McLaughlan
platform thing 
Wendy
07/03/2012
If there is ever a Wendy surplus, I’ve never had any problems with Dub Dub or Ship Shwafter (although the people who are aware of that in-joke are few and far between so I don’t see that last one really catching on outside of the original ground zero of ship swafting… but it certainly is a unique identifier). I’ve also been called Wendy-bird.
I don’t know other Kandaces (well, there’s one with a “C”) although I tend to refer to you mentally as Kan-dance due to my inability to type.
Kandace Mavrick
07/03/2012
I like Dub Dub for you. (At least partly because it makes me think of the Middleman and snicker).
I am the only Kandace I know, too. Although that has not always been the case. It usually leads to a whole raft of food-related nicknames. Which I’m fine with, although not sure how fond I’d be if food names were the only thing people called me.
You are also not the only one to make that typing mistake. Even I sometimes get distracted in the middle of writing my name and end up somewhere else… Maybe this is why I have a tendency to give my characters three letter names — so I don’t have time to get bored in the middle.
Wendy
07/03/2012
My favourite character name of all time is Persun from Sheri S Tepper’s Grass. I just… I don’t know, but I just love the idea of talking to someone called Persun.
I don’t know if this was Tepper slipping in a womyn-y term (this only occured to me just now) or if the idea appealed to her solely on the appeal of calling someone Persun. Kinda hope it was the later, because, Persun.
Kandace Mavrick
07/03/2012
All interpretations are valid.
And authors totally name characters for such arbitrary reasons. Or no reasons at all. Or, you know, if they’re feeling sensible about they might plan or have logic. But that’s totally unnecessary. I mostly give my characters names based on how easy it is to lie about them and how much they make me smirk.
PartlyPixie
07/03/2012
My parents named me Michelle in the 80s. The only people I knew growing up with more friends with the same name as me were two guys I dated: Daniel and, well, Daniel. (One of them after me dated another Michelle.)
I really liked a guy after I dated the Daniels, but when I found out his name was Dan? I walked. Yeah. I know exactly what you’re saying.
Kandace Mavrick
07/03/2012
See? Disturbing. I have a friend who’s resorted to numbering people. I’ve started to wonder if she serially dates people with the same name to save the effort of having to relabel the ‘boyfriend’ box in her mind. I almost never have any idea which one she’s talking about.
I don’t even like giving my characters the same name as someone I know because it creates this disturbing cognitive dissonance.