On Tuesday a friend of mine came over in the morning and my housemate drugged her. (That’s a good thing. Don’t freak out.) And while she was unconscious I went out for several hours. I met a really nice chemist, helped Rick buy glasses, and fought crime… it was a good day. But by the time said friend woke up I was back on my couch, doing that thing I do.
This is why nobody believes me when I say I leave the house. It’s just like the way my dad is convinced I didn’t do any work during my undergrad — he didn’t see me do it, therefore it never happened.
Also for some reason when I say it out loud it sounds like I’m saying, I went out and this hot air balloon appeared from nowhere and took me for a ride and there were cookies and ponies and then they brought me home JUST before you woke up.
Some things are just inherently unbelievable. Cookies are a sometimes food. Me leaving the house (apparently). I suppose that’s only fair, it has to balance all the things people seem to believe in with no evidence whatsoever. Effective government. Common sense. They won’t cancel this TV show because it’s really good. That’s not porn.
Actually that last one gets said a lot in our house. This may be because I have a tendency to walk up behind the boys when they’re playing on their computers and say, “What are you looking at? Porn?” Of course the other day Rick did it to me and I responded without thinking, “That’s not porn, that’s fandom.” Which. Um. The look on Rick’s face was pretty entertaining. Come to think of it though, the fetishisation of TV shows and so on that goes on within fandom kind of blurs that line. When it’s not tumbling over it in manic glee.
In any case, I blame the whole thing on Arkem and a conversation that we had two years ago about That Rammstein Video:
Arkem: It’s actually kind of funny because they start off a little risque and start skirting the edges of what you might think is acceptable but eventually you think, ‘hang on, you can’t do that’ and then a few moments later you go, ‘woah, you certainly can’t do that’ and then finally you end up going, ‘omg porn’.
Me: I think that’s the best way to do it. So your girlfriend can walk up behind you at just the wrong moment and ask, ‘What are you watching?’ and make you spit coke on your screen, cause ‘accidental porn’ is never that believable when you say it out loud.
This is true. You should all keep it in mind. Just, you know, in case. But also, What are you looking at? Porn? is generally a pretty terrible conversation opener. It’s right up there with, Oh my god, what happened to your head? and, Is it wrong to ask your boyfriend if he thinks he might be gay? Trust me. They’re conversation stoppers. This has been your public service announcement for the day. (Not that you can’t have more than one if you want. Also cookies. You can definitely have another cookie.)